Many years ago, I remember a parent waiting for me in my office with a tear-stained face and a hollow stare. As I began to step into the situation, her eyes looked down at something she had in her hand.
She clung to a receipt for an extremely expensive prom dress. She shook her head and said, “I thought if I bought it for her, it would fix it.”
A Lesson on Parenting from Psalm 127
My heart sank as I began to piece together the story of a broken relationship between a mother and a daughter that couldn’t be fixed by a credit card purchase. This mom was missing the target completely, and she didn’t even know it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about arrows recently. Mostly because I stumbled upon these verses in Psalms:
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”
(Ps. 127:3-5, ESV)
When I think about arrows, it’s not long before I see a target in my head. An arrow can’t hit a bull's-eye on its own. It waits for the archer to place it in the bow and release it intentionally in a certain direction. As parents, we’ve been entrusted with these “arrows.”
It’s important to keep our eye on the target and remember that God entrusted them to us for a purpose. And when we realize that, it impacts the relationship we have with them through every stage and season.
Know your role.
As I talk with parents about communication, I use three questions to help frame up the conversation: Who are you? Do you matter? Why are you here?
Your teenagers are looking to many different sources for the answers to these questions. As a parent, God has placed you in their lives to show them that the answer to all of them is all found in Christ. And guess what—it’s true for you as their parent, too.
Breakdowns with our teens often happen when one or both of us misplace our role. The mother in that story may have forgotten that the daughter was an “arrow” and began looking at her instead as the bull's-eye. In other words, she may have begun to seek her daughter’s approval. She may have believed the lie that if she exchanged her role as parent in order to be a friend, then she and her daughter would be closer.
If you switch to trying to be your child’s peer, you have exchanged your role in their life at a very crucial moment. You just moved the bull's-eye on them.
I’ve had parents tell me that because their teenager isn’t listening to them, they are trying to reach them like their friends would. But that logic is flawed for one very important reason:
Your teenager is listening to you.
They are listening to your words and your actions. They pick it up just as quickly as they did when they were toddlers. So what are you communicating to them about what you think your identity, significance and purpose are? Do they see you trying to act 16 again? Do they not notice a difference between their friends and their dad? Are they confused about what you even live for?
Change the script.
My mom wasn’t perfect, but she was intentional. I never knew what our next conversation would be. I did know exactly what my dad would say to me, because we had the same conversation every day when I would leave for school and every day when I would come home. And guess what? We had the same fights, too. Why? Because we were just reading a script.
But with my mom, it was different. She told me much later that she intentionally made sure that she didn’t ask me surface questions and she knew when I was most likely to want to talk. It wasn’t first thing when I walked in the door. It was around 7 p.m., when my mind finally started processing the day. And she made herself available at the dining room table for me to find her. She was present to listen to me.
Mix it up. It will make a difference. They won’t see it coming, and the conversation may begin to happen again.
Talk to Jesus about your teenager and let him or her listen in.
Some of my favorite moments on our student ministry team are watching parents and students praying for and with each other at some of our milestone events. The amount of students who say, “That was the first time I had ever heard my dad pray for me” would overwhelm you.
My mom journaled her prayers for me in shorthand. I couldn’t read what she prayed for me, but I knew my name. Years later, as I see her Bible, I still see those scribbled words. It means so much to me to know that my mom talks to Jesus about me. It reminds me that I’m not the bull's-eye, but that He is.
The Parental Tug-of-War
When I was a senior in high school, my mom and I had a big fight. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I was so angry that I felt my freedom had been infringed upon that I printed out and stapled a banner to my ceiling that read, “Freedom on June 9.” June 9 was when I graduated from high school.
My mother never said a word to me about it. In fact, that banner remained on my ceiling for six years. Years later, I was sitting on my bed as a married woman, sharing with my mother about a difficult situation I was having to bear, and at just the perfect moment, she hugged me, pointed to the ceiling, and said with a smile, “Ya feel free now?”
After we both laughed and tore that silly sign down, I asked her some questions about that fight we had. It was in that moment as an adult that I gained valuable perspective on the tug-of-war it is as a parent to continue to hold the rope and not give in to every battle. Keep holding the rope no matter what the tug of war you may feel like you are in with your child. They need to know that you are on the other end and that you didn’t quit caring for them or pursuing them.
Here’s a little secret they don’t want you to know: sometimes they tug just to know you still have the other end of the rope.
My mom had been tremendously hurt by words I had said through the years, but because she knew her identity, significance and purpose was not wrapped up in me but in Christ, she was able to be the mom I needed her to be to raise me as an arrow pointing towards the bull's-eye. My mom isn’t perfect and neither are we, but our children need us to be their parents. I tell my son all the time that I’m so glad I get to be his mom. That is a role that no one else got assigned. So thank God for the “arrows” you have that God has assigned to you. And keep your aim on the bull's-eye. All too soon, it will be time to let them fly.
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