A simple Google search of orphan care reveals much of what Christians are up to these days. Without a doubt this plight is a top concern for many. Churches and organizations are rallying. Hearts are responding. And in the case of many believers, they are deciding to grow their families through adoption and foster care.
Within this phenomenon rests countless opportunities for families of faith to come alongside these families in meaningful ways. But because this is new territory for many of us, there's also the risk of unwittingly hurting one another's feelings. So, how do we care for these loved ones well? We can start by gleaning insights and suggestions from adoptive families themselves.
Understand that every family is different.
On one level this seems obvious. But not all adoptive families face the same obstacles or feel similarly on topics that tend to be generalized — say, for example, issues of trauma or early attachment.
One adoptive mother I know wanted her daughters to experience the physical affection of their friends and family right away. Meanwhile, another mother who adopted from the same region pleaded with everyone beyond her immediate family to please not show physical affection toward her son and daughter for the first several months in order that her children might attach exclusively to their family alone at first. Take the time to get to know and understand the adoptive families you already know. This affords a much clearer rendering of how to love and care for them specifically.
Relate in genuine ways.
It turns out this one can be harder than it seems. Children who come from traumatic backgrounds often exhibit unusual behaviors. On the one hand, please recognize and treat these children as just that — children. Get to know them as the inquisitive, shy, vocal, hungry, sad, excited, fidgety, calm, and nearly always energetic little beings that they are (regardless of their stories).
Jenna Hayden (mother of four — one of whom joined their family by way of the foster care system) was also quick to add that it's equally important to "incline your heart to hear the voice of an orphan. In negative behaviors, hear sadness, fear, shame, and anger. In a traumatic transition, which every foster child has gone through, they protect themselves by initiating fight, flight, or freeze. Have compassion for the child who has come from a hard place."
Be mindful of your questions.
An orphan's story is compelling, heartbreaking, and intriguing all at once. That being said, we must remain mindful of what we really need to know (the answer is sometimes not very much). All children in fact have a story — and it's their story to tell.
Likewise, please think through when to have these sorts of conversations. Author and blog editor Jamie Martin has three children, two of whom were adopted internationally. In a recent conversation she shared, "I would especially ask friends and family to remember that children can hear even if you think they can't understand. Not everything is appropriate to [ask] in front of a child."
Be on your knees.
Though the tangible can feel, well, more tangible, recognize and practice the blessing of prayer in adoptive and foster families' lives. Don't underestimate its importance as a source of strength and courage each step of the way. Ask how you can be praying on a regular basis (this is of equal importance once the child has been adopted), and then set time aside to do just that.
Offer to help, and then offer to help again.
Offer help without expectations, understanding that especially in those first few weeks of a child arriving home, a family's needs are changing almost hourly. Might it help to put together a meal calendar for their first month (or three) home? Would it be OK to invite their biological kids over for an evening at your place? Mention when you're heading to the grocery store and see if you can take their list, too.
Remember, what might not work today (say a play date at the park or even a hot meal) could be the very thing that brightens that same family's day three weeks later. Please keep asking.
This article is courtesy of HomeLife Magazine.