Parenting an adolescent is like watching an unpredictable movie.
One minute it’s an inspiring, feel-good flick, the next it’s an action-packed nail-biter, and then it’s a heart-wrenching drama. Texting wars, cliques, breakups, betrayals ... adolescents experience life in technicolor. Watching it happen can be inspiring, frightening and exhausting—all at the same time.
In his book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dan Siegel explains that teens’ brains are naturally wired so that they feel emotions more intensely than at any other time in life. An adult and a teenager can have the same negative experience, but the teenager’s reaction will be more heightened (think slammed doors or tearful outbursts).
But Siegel doesn’t see this as always a bad thing. He suggests that the “emotional spark” teenagers possess also gives them an exuberant spirit that brings creativity and ingenuity. It is because they feel emotions strongly that they can be so passionate about life—something adults may lose along the way.
So, if some drama is inevitable, how can you distinguish normal ups and downs of from a real crisis? When should you let your teen figure things out and when should you intervene? Understanding what’s beneath that fiery reaction is a good place to start.
1. Blowups vs. Depression
An occasional blowup is not uncommon for adolescents. While your teen’s big display of emotion can be stressful for you to experience, it can also tell you a lot about what really matters to her, as well as reveal places of real pain in her life. Pay close attention to what is truly setting your teen off, and when the time is right, bring up what you see. For example, “I’ve noticed that you’ve snapped at me after every swim practice this week. Is there something going on you want to talk about?”
Unfortunately, teens might also explode in ways that are disrespectful, or have a tantrum aimed at manipulating you. In those situations it is best to keep your cool and spend some time apart until everyone can reason calmly.
However, pervasive irritability that lasts weeks or months could signal something more serious, such as depression. If your teen is always sullen and angry, destroys property, or makes you feel threatened, it’s time to reach out for help.
2. The Silent Treatment vs. Complete Shutdown
Teenagers need a certain amount of privacy and independence to develop a sense of identity separate from you. So a night of wanting to be alone in their room is not necessarily a cause for concern. But shutting you out for days at a time, withdrawing from friends or refusing to go to school are reasons to lean in a bit closer.
Look for ways to build your relationship with your teen. If he doesn’t want to open up to you about what’s bothering him, see if he can agree to do so with someone else he trusts—the school counselor, youth pastor or a close family friend. Studies show that the most important predictor of emotional health for kids and teens is a positive relationship with a caring adult. In addition, increasing communication with teachers and coaches is a good way to find out how your teen is doing when he’s not at home.
3. Minor Conflicts vs. Relational Turmoil
Relationship problems are par for the course in adolescence, and minor conflicts with friends usually blow over after a few days. But constant turmoil in a friendship or dating relationship can send your teen into an emotional tailspin.
Encourage your teen to evaluate her relationships, asking questions such as, “Is this relationship bringing more stress than enjoyment into my life? Is this person helping me be the best version of myself, who God made me to be?” Staying in a toxic friendship or dating relationship for too long can lead to self-esteem issues or negative decision-making. If your teen decides on her own to end an unhealthy relationship, she’ll feel empowered. But if, for example, you notice that she is constantly bullied at school and isn’t able to assert herself, it’s time to contact an administrator and intervene.
Red Flags You Should Look For
In determining whether or not your teen is in crisis, watch for extreme highs and lows, or unhealthy patterns (ongoing for two weeks or more) in behavior. Here are some specific signs that mean your teen may need help:
Unusual drop in grades
Bloodshot eyes
Marked isolation from the family or from peers
Constant self-deprecating comments
Panic attacks
Frequent crying spells
Feelings of hopelessness
Talk about self-harm
Before you jump to conclusions, be sure to rule out any physical causes of mood swings. With girls, for example, monthly hormonal changes can contribute to moodiness. And all teens who are sleep-deprived will have a shorter fuse. It’s best to mention any concerning symptoms to your teen’s pediatrician.
Set an atmosphere in your home that lets all feelings be OK—even the big ones. If your teen can express what’s in his heart, he can learn to manage it more effectively, before a crisis occurs. And while hanging tight to the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide you, jump into the story with him. You’ll be glad you did.
Article courtesy of Parenting Teens magazine.