From the first grade through high school, almost every female walking school hallways has been hurt by her girlfriends. Usually, rambunctious boys fuss and fight, take their lumps, and walk away buddies. Girls, however, often handle their conflict covertly.
Friendship means alliances, petty jealousy, hateful looks, and merciless teasing, all accomplished under the radar of teachers (and often parents). Unfortunately, cliquish behavior also can be found in churches. Adept parents and teachers can recognize the signs of trouble and reach out to protect girls before young egos are bruised beyond repair.
Cliques and Bullies
Female friendships can be strong, long-lasting, and brutal. Even young girls know when they belong and when they do not. Beginning at age 4, girls separate themselves from boys because boys and girls play differently. As they grow older, the sorting criteria for cliques evolves into physical attributes, economic status, fashion sense, and personality types. By middle school, some girls have spent many recesses, lunches, or breaks between classes trying to survive in a sea of indifferent or unfriendly faces.
When a child is shunned by the majority of her peers or suddenly dropped by her best friends, she is a victim. Bullying peaks between the ages of 10 and 14 and can consist of:
Name calling
Circulating petitions of agreement not to be friends with a particular girl
Ostracizing a girl from the lunch table or hallway conversation
Ignoring a girl for a petty offense
Failing to give a party invitation to a girl "on the outs" with the group
Verbally bashing one another, then quickly adding, "Can't you take a joke?" or "Just kidding."
Spreading rumors, gossip, and lies about one another
Class Action
In every group of girls, a classification system exists. Rosalind Wiseman in her book Queen Bees and Wannabees calls the most popular, powerful girl in every group the Queen Bee. Fighting for position are the Queen Bee's most faithful sidekicks and those who have no chance of ever gaining ground. Wannabees stand on the fringes, hoping to fit in by conforming to the dress, speech, and behavior patterns of the inner circle she hopes to join.
Sometimes, members of a clique close in on one victim. She is set up by the other girls to be regularly humiliated, made fun of, excluded, and emotionally battered. Why do targets take it? Some girls accept any scrap of friendship over no friendship at all. The victim lives in the hopes that the injustice will be set right, that those who torment her truly are acting in jest, and that they genuinely like her. And more often than not, many girls who are targets simply do now know what else to do.
When Your Daughter Is the Target
If your daughter becomes a target, she will feel abandoned by girls she thought of as her friends. As school or church grows unbearable, she may become moody, withdrawn, angry, or sad. Victims have options. Most of all, your daughter needs someone to share her grief and frustration. That is you!
Offer her these choices:
Ask a teacher or counselor for assistance.
Allow you, the parent, to intervene.
Confront the bully or girls in the offending clique.
If your daughter chooses confrontation, talk her through the situation. Role-play what she will say and discuss what might happen afterward. The conversation may go something like this:
Daughter: Emily, can we talk? (Encourage her to find a time when Emily is alone.)
Emily: What about?
Daughter: I'm sorry we don't seem to be friends anymore. I don't like being teased, and I would like it to stop. Please ask your other friends to leave me alone, too.
Emily: We're not teasing you. I don't know what your problem is.
Daughter: I don't know why you don't like me, but I can't do anything about that. I think you have the power to stop this, and I would like for you to try.
Again, Emily likely will deny her actions. That is expected, and your daughter needs to realize that her friendship with Emily probably is lost. Still, she honestly has communicated her feelings, and that is a tremendous step toward regaining her confidence.
Next, your daughter must work to move on. She can:
Find a hobby or sport she enjoys and at which she can excel.
Write her feelings in a diary or journal.
Befriend girls who may not be in the "popular" crowd but who will share her common interests.
Keep your daughter taking with these conversation openers:
"Do you hear girls talking or gossiping about other kids?"
"Is there a lot of name-calling at school?"
"If something like that happened to you, would you tell me?"