Dennis Grant grew up in a staunch, proud family with one sister and three brothers. Their home was constantly in a state of distributed chaos. Mom worked her fingers to the bone to keep the home clean while the five kids tore through the place breaking windows, doors, furniture, and anything that wasn't nailed down. Dad managed other people's financial affairs.
Dad spent much of his time at home in the den. If the children wanted to see him, they had to ask permission to step across the threshold. Nearly every visit in the hallowed space turned into a two-hour lecture. For Dennis, now 40 and a successful business owner, the den became a prison; his father used his youngest son as a captive audience to expound upon all the things his older siblings were doing wrong — and then ask him how they should be punished. They did not appreciate his input.
An Age-Old Problem
Since there have been families, there have been sibling rivalries. They run rampant throughout the Old Testament: first there were Cain and Abel, then came Jacob and Esau. Of course, we can't forget one of most infamous of all dysfunctional families, the woeful tale of Joseph and his brothers.
Today, if you have more than one teenager in your home, the sibling rivalries of the Bible may seem like some of the most relatable passages. Dennis first witnessed the painful rivalry that plagued his home when he was a preteen. His two oldest brothers fought over everything, from which room was theirs to who was dating a girl and who wasn't. One day his parents couldn't bear to hear the bickering any longer so his father moved the boys to the basement. He pinned bed sheets around the ceiling, creating four walls so each could have their own room.
"This just created more chaos as they would soon have a battle of the stereos, playing louder and louder until the first floor would shake and my dad would storm downstairs blasting them with a rage of words to silence their noise," he remembers. "These tactics only created resentment in each of my brothers toward one another and my parents."
The rivalry compounded year after year as Dennis' parents pitted the kids against each other and eagerly pointed out their differences to everyone in the family.
"If you didn't like the same things as my dad, you were seen as an alien," he says. "Slowly I kept all my true interests — like writing, photography, and movies — to myself and dove deeper into trying to please my father through perpetually overachieving in sports and school." Unfortunately, Dennis's success was never enough for his dad.
Celebrating Individuality
Rivalries like Dennis's can bubble over from expectations that come from parents. If your child doesn't turn out to be the all-conference, academic all-star you'd envisioned, you may need to take a look at your own motives. Are your standards too high? Are you trying to live vicariously through your kids? Do you want your kids to be just like you? Are you inflicting your wishes onto them without considering their own special gifts? God made us all different — we have different personalities, different hearts, and different souls.
One of the most damaging parenting faux-pas is comparing our kids to each another. I have two children, a 24-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son who are as different as night and day. Our daughter has always been a sweet overachiever. The sensitive artistic type, she would start crying before we even looked at her. Now a professional photographer, she dreams of someday writing and shooting for National Geographic.
Not surprisingly, she married a musician. (Now if they'd only give me a grandchild. Oh wait, that's another article.)
Our son, on the other hand, has long dreamed of living a wilder life than taking pictures of brides and babies. An adventurer at heart, his list of potential occupations has included being a stuntman, sky diving instructor, treasure hunter, professional Scuba diver, and snowboarder. These days, he is focused on living on the frontier of Alaska and sustaining himself with an ax and a two-seater plane. For now he is living with us.
In their own ways, my kids arelovable and aggravating and it can be difficult to navigate their adult relationship. They don't necessarily approve of the way we parented the other, but werecognized their individuality and did our best to encourage them on even small achievements. Our goal for them is to live thelife God created them to, full of life and on mission for His kingdom.
A Winning Defense
As the old saying goes, the best offense is a good defense. Rather than simply learning how to referee sibling conflicts, let's try preventing them altogether. For many parents, that's easier said than done. We all know that parenting teenagers can be a tough gig; their temper tantrums often involve stress and hormones — both of which can be very tricky. They no longer think they need to be parented-until they wreck the car.
Parenting should be more than a series of breaking up squabbles and issuing ultimatums; weneed to learn to parent with purpose. Our most important objective is to lead our kids to a strong personal faith. In order to do that, however, we must authentically live our own spiritual journeys.
Without question, the best offensive weapon in our parenting arsenal is prayer; it impacts our parenting journey more than all of the support groups and parenting books combined. God had a plan in mind when He gave our two unique children to my wonderful husband and me, because we are polar opposites, too. Somehow God thought we were just the perfect parents for bundles of joy. He has been our partner ever since.
Sibling rivalries are perfectly normal. Families are a hodgepodge of different temperaments, personalities, and levels of maturity. When you put a variety of children together in a close environment there are bound to be problems — especially as they become independently minded teens. Many parents have definite ideas about what they want out of their child's life: athlete, doctor, lawyer, musician, president, youth group leader, straight-A student, etc. So the question becomes, what happens when your teen doesn't become the person you want him or her to become? How do you respond if your athlete would rather write music or your business school graduate chooses not to follow you in the family business?
It is important to rely on God's plan for your teens instead of trying to force a square peg in a round hole. Grammy-winning recording artist Charlie Daniels told me a few years ago that his dad wanted him to be a forest ranger, an idea that was a big turnoff to the aspiring young musician. "Had I pursued that I would have been miserable," he said. "Dreams are elusive. You've got to chase them and bring them down and hold onto them. I would have spent years marking time; it wouldn't have meant anything." Can you fathom what the world would belike if the Charlie Daniels Band didn't exist? I don't imagine his dad was disappointed for very long!
Healthy relationships can be fostered amongst children if we do a few key things: Teach them about Jesus, spend special one-on-one time with each child, tell each child how proud you are and how much you love them every day, encourage a sense of team spirit within the family, and avoid favoritism.
No child should be criticized because he or she is different from you. After all, it's the differences that make a family.
This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.