Mentoring does not mean the same thing to everyone. Today, mentoring is a buzzword. Mentoring has come to mean everything from a primary professor for a Ph.D. candidate attending Oxford University to a person who helps preschoolers. As a result, people only have a shallow understanding of what mentoring is really all about.

When you see or hear a misuse of the term, suggest a synonym: coach, discipler, spiritual guide. Let's make sure mentoring means one very special thing. I want to suggest a definition that explains 99.99 percent of all the mentoring relationships in history, at present, and in the future. Ideally:

Mentoring is a lifelong relationship, in which a mentor helps a protégé reach her or his God-given potential.

Mentoring explains clearly and completely what mentors do and don't do, the nature of the mentor/protege relationship, the most common roadblocks to effective mentoring, and more to help you succeed as mentor or protege.

Mentoring is like having an ideal aunt or uncle whom you respect deeply, who loves you at a family level, cares for you at a close friend level, supports you at a sacrificial level, and offers wisdom at a modern Solomon level. Having a mentor is not like having another mother or father. Mentoring is more "how can I help you" rather than "what should I teach you."

Mentoring Is a Relationship with Someone You Like, Enjoy, Believe in, and Want to See Win in Life

As its essence, mentoring is a relationship. It is not primarily a contract, a deal, an agreement, or a legal battle if something goes astray. It is a relationship between two people. This is a relationship in which a lot of the public and even the private masks we wear are dropped over time so that mentor and protégé can communicate at a behind-the-mask level.

Ideally, in a mentoring relationship there is a bonding of hearts. There is a commitment of care, of support, of encouragement, and of security. As Bill McCartney, founder of Promise Keepers, put it, it is moving through life "eye to eye, back to back, and shoulder to shoulder!"

Even though when the mentoring relationship begins the mentor is considerably more experienced than the protégé, with time the friendship should grow to be a more balanced, progressively equal friendship. This is what I call the "mutual mentoring" phase. The relationship matures over time into a fifty-fifty emotional partnership. Ideally, the mentor and the protégé become friends, mates, pals, and buddies over a period of several years.

Mentoring Intentionalizes a Relationship

Most mentoring is informal. It is simply two people who enjoy each other and want to see each other win, helping each other over a period of time. Their relationship involves companionship, camaraderie, correction, and simply friendship. This is natural and appropriate.

So, you may ask, if most mentoring happens on an informal basis, why formalize it? Why try to define the relationship by using the term mentoring? Let me suggest one extremely practically reason.

In the process of maturing, there are points at which we need help at inconvenient times. For instance, we might desperately need to talk at 2:00 a.m. However, in most friendships or relationships, particularly with people we look up to, we would feel uncomfortable calling at two o'clock in the morning. But if you discuss and define the mentoring relationship and talk about maturity and health being the bottom-line focus over a lifetime, you can tell your protégé that you are the one person he or she can call at two in the morning. You can tell your protégé to call before doing something foolish like jumping out a window or leaving a spouse. You can make it clear that in an emergency situation, calling you at any hour is not an inconvenience but a command.

A Mentor Helps a Protégé Reach Her or His God-Given Potential

Once defined, mentoring is as simple as a natural relationship plus two simple questions. The mentoring relationship becomes significant the moment a person with experience asks a less experienced person what I call the mentoring questions.

  • What are your priorities? Priorities can be goals or problems. They can be personal or professional.

  • How can I help? As a mentor, you may need to help your protégé decide on a course of action or simply provide resources to carry it out.

Maturity over a lifetime is the focus. Your mentor, you, and your protégé will always be making progress. Realize that it is a lifelong process, not simply a goal to be reached. God's timing is perfect. Wait for God's timing.

Though it may be frustrating to watch protégés struggle, you may rest easy realizing that you are helping them grow into maturity over a lifetime, not growing them to the point of perfection by the end of the week.

As part of this maturation over time, you will want to help your protégés achieve steady growth and a basic balance in the following seven areas of life:

  • Family and marriage

  • Financial

  • Personal growth

  • Physical

  • Professional

  • Social

  • Spiritual

Part of your role as a mentor is helping your protégés reach their potential in life, recognizing, speaking to, and helping correct any serious imbalance in any one of the seven areas.

Focusing on maturity in mentoring is helpful and healthy. The bottom line is simply this: all you have to do is help your protégés grow into full adult maturity over a lifetime. You may want to ask your protégés, "If you could only accomplish three measurable priorities in the next ten years that would make a 50 percent difference by the end of your life, what would they be?" Then be available to help them reach their priorities. You will have gone a long way toward being a great mentor.