"Let's take advantage of the holidays and get the most for our family time." That's a fairly common attitude among most of us.
During the holiday season, we have opportunities to be with extended family and spend extra time with the kids. The problem is, a hectic holiday schedule, between-home dilemmas, and the undercurrent of loss can add stress to stepfamilies during this season. To optimize your holidays, take these proactive steps.
Between-Home Contact
What guidelines should your family abide by when it comes to contacting the other home during holiday visits?
Visitation Schedules
Speak to your child about respecting the people in your child's other home, and giving him or her your permission to like, get along with, or love those people. An attitude of grace encourages basic cooperation and decency between homes. This tip should apply to the visitation schedule as well.
Frequently, the holidays prompt both homes to make changes to the visitation schedule. "We're having Thanksgiving on Sunday because that's when my brother can come to town. So, can the kids come to our house then, instead?" Or perhaps, "I know it's your turn to have the kids on Christmas Day, but Grandma can't stay any longer. Can I have them on Christmas?"
I am a strong advocate for flexibility and sacrificial consideration in co-parenting, whenever possible. "Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness -- without it no one will see the Lord" (Hebrews 12:14) is a good admonition. However, there is a time and place for sticking to the schedule. It's one thing to accommodate the other household once; it's another to make a habit of it. There most certainly is a time and place for sacrifice, but there is also a time and place to respect the schedule as it is and politely say no to a request to change it. Protecting your boundaries, while being considerate of others, is an important balance to seek.
Extended-Family Hiccups
Dare I say that every extended family has some tension when everyone is put in the same room for an extended period of time? Differences in preference, tradition, religious or political beliefs can cause stress, tension, or conflict. For one family, it was the stepsibling dynamic. "My kids used their allowance to buy their stepbrother a gift for Christmas, but my stepson spent his allowance on himself. He is so selfish. Should I tell my kids to not do things for him anymore?"
Absolutely not. Romans 12 reminds us not to repay evil with evil, but to repay evil with good. Just as two wrongs don't make a right, fostering selfishness in your kids won't help your stepson become selfless. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about what you expect from the children. Then communicate that clearly and hold them to it.
Situations like these feel rather personal to parents, but try to view it instead as a teachable moment for a child. This son needs direction and to be called up to consider others before himself. Yes, there's tension between stepsiblings and parents, but don't make it bigger than it is. Teach the needed lesson and move on.
The holidays, like all of life, are an opportunity to provide guidance, structure, and training to our children -- and ourselves. Optimize them whenever possible.
Holiday Stress Tips
Embrace your expanded family. Choosing to welcome, embrace, and love them is a gift to everyone -- especially yourself.
Part-time biological parents should try to spend some exclusive time with their children. Take advantage of opportunities to spend special time with them.
Consider these gift-giving tips:
Encourage stepparents and stepchildren to give cards and gifts to one another that feel appropriate to their relationship.
Expect stepgrandparents to be equitable in giving gifts to grandchildren and stepgrandchildren.
To avoid duplication, ask children to give a different wish list to each biological parent.
Don't buy gifts together with your ex-spouse. It sets up false expectations for children and is not healthy for the remarriage.
Don't compete with your ex-spouse by trying to buy a better gift or spend more money.
Ministry Tip
When presenting holiday related sermons and classes, be mindful of the added dynamics of multi-home families. Don't assume that Thanksgiving and Christmas family activities are the same for those attending your congregation.
During the stress-filled holidays, stepparents may feel moved to the outside. Children may show their stress through increased oppositional attitudes. Remind stepfamily classes or small groups to offer extra support to one another.