Adolescents are funny creatures. Many parents believe they'd have an easier time pinning Jell-O to the wall than reading their teen. The truth is that most teenagers can be interpreted rather easily if you understand where they are developmentally, especially when it comes to their stress and anxiety issues. In many cases, parents create stress for their teen because they fail to recognize what is going on in their child's heart and mind.
The good news for all of us is that teens do outgrow their adolescent stages, and parents can use this season of life to deepen the trust they share with their ever-changing son or daughter.
Young Teen (13-15)
This stage of development surfaces a lot of attention around a child's physical development. Boys are preoccupied with whether they can hold their own with other males in their circle. Some boys develop later than others, and for those who are late bloomers, this can be extremely difficult.
Similarly, girls are incredibly self-conscious about their weight and size, not to mention their appearance. They compare themselves to those they think "have it together" and will experience deep feelings of inadequacy. Most adolescent girls in this agerange feel invisible and simply want to be liked, noticed and needed. This stage is often when parents will face more struggles with clothing, make-up and boy-girl activities.
The early teen years surface behaviors some parents have not previously experienced. Kids are scared of being rejected and misunderstood. They don't want to disappoint their parents, but they also want to fit in. They don't know who they are, where they're going, or whether anyone notices they exist!
They can seem grounded one minute and crazy the next.
What to Do
Stay calm and consistent amidst their inconsistency. They need a wall to bounce against, and it needs to be you. They will often not have a clue why they do what they do, but they will benefit from knowing you are big enough to handle them.
Set clear boundaries. Most adolescents do not have the maturity to handle unbridled freedom.
Reinforce the qualities of their character and heart. In the end, what really matters is what kind of people they are.
Middle Teen (16-17)
Teens falling into this age range are in the midst of the academic life, and grades will be at the forefront of their stress. ACTs, SATs, and other major hurdles can overwhelm teens. Regardless of how smart your child may be, the pressure is on, and they become highly anxious during this time.
Teens may also experience the stress of managing the complexities of relationships. Many teens begin dating during this time and coping with the dynamics of having a boyfriend or girlfriend can increase their moodiness or stress. Jealousy, insecurity, rejection, and fear are all emotions that can overtake teens, impacting every other area of their lives.
This stage of adolescence is when your teen will know someone who has made bad choices. They may have a friend who is sleeping around, getting drunk, or taking drugs. Your teen will want to talk about it but may be scared to do so with you because he is afraid of your reaction or judgment.
Believe it or not, the parent-teen relationship itself becomes a source of great stress. Conflict over house rules, boundaries, and driving creates issues for teens. Parents will find this frustrating if they don't understand that their teens are only doing what kids their age are supposed to do: Test limits. It may seem like an oxymoron, but parents who choose to respond instead of react will reduce their teen's anxiety.
What to Do
Pay attention to your teens' academics. Ask if there's anything you can do to help: provide a tutor, help look at colleges, discuss their goals, etc. Many teens are embarrassed to ask for help, so let them know you want to be involved.
Get to know their friends. Make your home a safe environment where your teens will want to bring their friends. Create a relationship where you can talk about their friends and why they like the people they're dating.
Be careful how you talk about kids who make bad choices. Your teens will decide if they can trust you with their mistakes based upon how they hear you handle or comment on other teens' poor choices.
Older Teen (18-20)
By this time, most parents are ready for their teens to be out of the house and living on their own. This is in part due to the teens' stage of development: They are independent, self-focused and very opinionated!
However, before parents get too disconnected, they need to understand how incredibly scared and inadequate their teens feel at this point in their lives. They are handling the freedom that comes with this new season while also learning the importance of its responsibility. They still need their parents, but often in a way the parents don't want to be needed. Parents want to have the same power and control, but that is not healthy for the teen. The ambivalence for the parents to let go and allow their teens to experience their consequences or benefits of their choices sends the message to teens that their parents do not trust their judgment and decision-making abilities.
I have known many teens and parents whose relationships change significantly during this time, and in most cases, they suffered greatly. While this is not an easy stage to parent, it's an even more difficult age to lose the connection to the people who supposedly know you best.
Teens who have left the nest are often scared, anxious, and overwhelmed by the isolation and abandonment they feel by their parents.
What to Do
Stay connected and keep the lines of communication open. Even if you cannot find much to agree about, spend time together getting to know who your child is now.
Remember that this season of life is about them getting to know themselves and who they think they are. It is a complicated time in their lives as they are feeling pressure to get the major questions answered: What am I going to do with my life? How will I take care of myself?
Don't minimize their issues, struggles, and challenges. Take them seriously and walk alongside them. Don't try to fix their problems. They will ask for your advice if they know you are safe and will accept them unconditionally. Above all, use this time as an opportunity to communicate your confidence in them to make good decisions. Your belief in them will be a huge gift they are not expecting.
This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.