The mother of a teen called me very distraught about her son's behavior. She shared the following situation with me: "My teenager is so moody and angry. I never know what's going to set him off. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Today he came home in a bad mood, slammed the front door, and went to his room. When I went to find out what was wrong he'd already kicked a hole in his wall. What can I do to help him?"
My advice is to provide the teen with the A.N.G.E.R. mental map to assist him in managing his anger. The key is for both the parent and the teen to focus on their individual responsibilities. So let's look at anger management by defining responsibilities:
Assess feelings (Gen. 4:5-8)
It is the teen's responsibility to identify the feelings beneath his anger. Simply ask him how he is feeling. Encourage him to take these actions.
Stop what he's doing and focus on emotions and feelings.
Honestly identify and record his underlying feelings.
Develop an action plan consistent with biblical principles.
It is the parent's responsibility to help the teen identify his feelings by asking questions, explaining feelings, sharing observations, and helping the teen see the connection between his feelings, certain events, and his actions. The outcome will be positive if your teen becomes aware of his feelings, controls his response, and processes his feelings and anger in a positive manner.
God asked Cain two questions to help him understand and master his anger (Gen. 4:6). Had Cain identified his underlying feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, or rejection, he could have talked to God about them, and perhaps offered an acceptable sacrifice. Instead, allowing his anger to dominate, he killed his brother.
When your teen acts on the anger, avoiding his underlying feelings, he'll make poor choices and experience negative results. Dealing directly with the underlying feelings clarifies the situation, provides more choices, and promotes positive resolution.
Neutralize the emotions (Jas. 1:19-20; Ps. 103:8)
It's the teen's responsibility to neutralize strong emotions so he doesn't immediately act on them. Encourage him to take these actions.
Delay responding to his anger until he is cool and in control.
Identify situations/people which trigger his anger and prepare himself for them.
Pray, take a "time out," count, write, draw, talk, fill out an anger journal, and don't assume the worst.
Do things that calm him down instead of stir him up; encourage him to do something physical (run, walk, swim, but not punch); suggest he listen to music, call a friend, or talk himself through the anger: "I can handle this."
It's the parents' responsibility to model appropriate anger management, to encourage "time outs," to help the teen discover things that calm the teen down, set guidelines for anger behavior, and enforce consequences, such as repair damage, replace items, apologize, and so forth.
The outcome will be positive if you help your teen prepare to deal with his anger before it occurs. Stopping a freight train after it has built up speed is very difficult. Similarly, controlling anger before it builds makes it easier to manage. When your teen identifies and chooses to do things that diffuse his anger rather than stir it up, he'll be more successful in keeping his anger in check.
Gauge the anger (Prov. 29:11; Amos 1:11)
It's the teen's responsibility to determine an appropriate amount of anger relative to the situation. The teen should ask himself, "How angry should I be?" Then he should think about the consequences from the last time he blew up. It is wise to control his anger level using the Goldilocks approach-not too much, not too little, just right.
It's the parents responsibility to offer guidance, perspective, personal experiences, while giving direction to the teen to stay calm.
A positive outcome occurs when your teen is able to gauge his anger and express it with control in a healthy manner. Responding with too little anger promotes depression and feelings of helplessness. Responding with too much anger causes people to focus on the temper tantrum and miss your teen's message.
Engage the correct person (Matt. 5:22-24; 18:15)
It's the teen's responsibility to choose the appropriate time and place to talk with the right person about the correct issue. Ask him to identify who he is angry with and why.
Suggest these steps to help your teen approach and deal with the situation.
Determine the correct person and issue.
Deal with one issue at a time.
Clarify what he needs.
Determine what he'll say ahead of time.
Make an appointment and meet privately.
Make eye contact.
Speak respectfully, watching volume and tone.
Ask for what he wants.
State what he's willing to do to help the situation.
It's the parents' responsibility to set a good example and to give feedback on where the teen's directing his anger-is his focus on the right person and the right issue? A positive outcome is your teen talking with the right person about the right issue, thereby beginning to solve the problem.
Resolve the situation (Matt. 7:3-5; 5:23-24)
It's the teen's responsibility to reach a resolution. Encourage him to do what he can to make things better. Suggest these actions.
Do what you can to make improvements, regardless of what others do.
Ask for what you want, negotiate, shift your perspective, forgive, and find something good in the situation.
Accept what you can't change, commit it to God, and move on. It's the parents' responsibility to model positive negotiation skills, ask questions to clarify your teen's thinking, guide your teen in developing a plan with workable solutions, and encouraging your teen to turn loose and move on.
Try using this A.N.G.E.R. map to help your teen mend relationships and resolve issues. Trust God, do your part, love your teen, encourage him to work on his anger management, and things will improve!