"What is lying about?" I asked a 10th-grade student at the high school where I'm a guidance counselor. "I think lying is about fear," she said. "Fear of disappointing my parents, or of not knowing what to say when they ask questions." She has a point.
When teenagers lie, it's not always a conscious act of defiance. Lying is adaptive ... it provides a means of getting what one wants, a way to live up to an expectation, or the ability to project a certain image. It can also be an exercise in testing parental boundaries, exploring imagination, or protecting their privacy. At the same time, when teens lie it damages their relationship with God and others ... especially their parents. And it can be difficult to repair the broken trust. If your teen has a habit of lying, consider asking what purpose the behavior serves. Here are a few examples.
Fear of disappointing you.
Many teens lie because they don't want to disappoint their parents. While the dishonest behavior is destructive, it shows that they care what their parents think, and it means their parents have standards for them ... both really good things, right? So in order to address this dynamic, perhaps it's worth a look at the amount of pressure you put on your son or daughter.
Pushing your teen toward healthy goals is important, but focusing too much on success can be overwhelming for him. For instance, if you are constantly focused on your son's GPA because you want your son to attend the same college as you, or if you come down hard on him because he didn't make every basket in the game, it might be time for a selfcheck.
Is this your teen's goal, or yours? Where does he need you to step in and push him along, and where could you let him find his own way? Having high standards is beneficial for teens, and you have every right to demand honesty. But they must feel safe in order to be honest. Also, model an appropriate response to failure. Are you gentle with yourself when you make mistakes, or do you demand perfection? As believers, we are free to fail-Christ's grace covers us. The more this truth is imbedded in your own heart, the more it will come out in your parenting, and the less your teen will feel the need to project a certain image to you.
Fear of what others think.
Reputation is everything to a teenager. It can make or break her school year, or even her personal happiness. And while friend "drama" can sometimes seem exaggerated and unimportant to adults, a teen's desire for belonging is actually one of her most critical developmental needs. Peer relationships help her discover who she is and individuate from her parents.
If her ideal image of herself is threatened, she will do whatever it takes to protect it, and this can often mean lying. From creating rumors about classmates to finding a way to make it to that all-important party, nothing seems more important than social status. Without minimizing the importance of this with your teen, try and help her identify her own personal strengths, as well as develop her identity in Christ. Help her to see her own worth and value apart from others' opinions, and to value who she is as a daughter of God. Rumors eventually die down, and embarrassing moments are quickly forgotten.
What remains is that your teen was created in the image of God, and when she believes that, she will attract friends who see it too.
Fear of being known
"Who am I?" Every decision teenagers make flows out of this one question ... every risk, every broken rule, every endeavor. They try on identities-jock, techie, artsy, goth, studious — to see what fits. And in the process of figuring out who they are, some teens lie. They fear being categorized or labeled, and they also fear that others will see how little they know themselves.
But there is something holy about transparency. We can take off our masks and stand before God just as we are — mistakes, insecurities, and all. And He receives us wholly and fully, not expecting anything but ourselves, even if we're not sure what that self is all about. Your teen will explore his identity. He might dye his hair blue, or take up longboarding, or switch friend groups from year to year. But eventually he will grow into who God wants Him to be.
How does your teenager reflect God's glory? Discover your teen's unique design and affirm him in it. The more comfortable he is in his own skin, the more fully God's glory will be made manifest in his life, and the more honestly he can live in relationship with you and with others.
What if your teen has broken your trust? While we can understand teens' lying behavior, it is an unhealthy form of manipulation and control and is not pleasing to God. Paul instructs us to "put away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another" (Eph. 4:25). Once your teen is caught in a lie, take the time to find out the motive behind it, and administer appropriate consequences. Then, give her a chance to earn back your trust, and remind her it takes time.
But be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at some point. It will build her resiliency and sense of self to have your confidence in her again. This pattern of trustrebuilding, combined with an atmosphere of openness and grace in your home, will help your teen move out of the darkness of deceit and into the light of her authentic self ... out of fear, and into freedom.
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This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.