My husband and I were more than two years into our adoption process when he said that I had "changed." When I asked him to elaborate, he couldn't. And I didn't blame him. I had a hard time placing my finger on it as well.
I could say that I hadn't placed the adoption in God's hands, but I had. Repeatedly. I could say that I was impatient in bringing my son home from Haiti; that would have been true. But that wasn't the issue, at least not entirely. What it came down to was the difference between man and woman, husband and wife.
The Difference Between a Mom and a Dad
Let's face it, men do not feel the way women do, nor do they process things the way women do. And that's okay. That's the way God made us, and for a good reason. Our differences were never meant to separate us, but to provide us with what the other needs.
My husband loves this little boy we have yet to meet every bit as much as I do, but because he's wired differently, he handles it differently. He loves receiving the adoption updates, prays for our little guy every day ... and then goes about his daily routine.
I, on the other hand, am a Mama. And that, I believe, is at the heart of the "change" my husband sees in me. While he can go on day by day as usual, I can't. Instead of carrying this child in my womb, I am carrying him in my heart. And my heart is becoming heavy. I can't feel him kicking. I can't see his growth via a sonogram. I can't hear his heart beating. But from the moment we started the process, he became a part of me.
Now that my husband has expressed concerns that I've changed and that it's affecting our relationship, we are working on opening the doors of communication in an effort to better understand one another through this adoption process.
He wants to know how he can help me, and so I've been considering how he can. In an open letter to my husband, the following are just six ways he could help me through this process, and prayerfully they will help you as well:
1. Let Me Vent
The adoption process is hard; the waiting, agonizing. Sometimes I just need to let loose.
Days upon days with no word or movement on the adoption can build up until I feel like I'm going to explode. If faith can move a mountain, this pent-up frustration could rock the continent.
Increasingly I'm going to the Lord, much like David, crying out, "Lord, how long will You forget me? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?" (Psalm 13:1). But because you are my spouse and we are one, I need to be able to come to you as well, and know that you'll allow me to vent.
So, be my sounding board. Let me rant about the waiting, the delays, and the obstacles. And please know that my rants are not directed at you, but that I simply need to get some things out and know that I've been heard. I truly do feel better afterwards.
2. Don't Try to "Fix" It
I know that as a man, you feel the need to fix everything, but you can't. If I even thought for a single moment that you could, I would be all over you like a flea on a dog.
I know you're a man of many talents, but this is one thing that you cannot fix. And that's okay. I'm not expecting you to.
When I vent, please understand that I'm not expecting you to make it all better. I know out of your great love for me and for our son, you would like nothing more than to fix everything and bring him home tomorrow. And I love your heart for that.
Please don't think you need to fix this for me. Just hold me. Really. That's what I need - a hug. Let me vent and then just hold me and know that you have "fixed" things, even if it's not in the way you'd really like to.
3. Help Me Live in the Present
I need to be reminded to live in the present because so often I find myself living for that day - that day when I meet my son for the first time; that day when we get the call that it's time to pick him up; that day when we bring him home.
Living in the present makes me face some hard realities that I don't want to deal with. The fact is that every moment, every day that our son is in an orphanage, is time that is lost to us, memories that cannot be made as a family, milestones that are missed and can never be shared, and moments that tick-tock away without him.
"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it," says Psalm 118:24. I want to enjoy and appreciate the gift of today, but I need you to remind me of the blessings and beauty right before my eyes. Like the time you pointed out the unusual cloud formations as we were driving down the road. It was a little thing, but it brought me back to the present moment and I needed that. Subtle reminders will help me to fully live in the present and not just for that day.
4. Make Me Have Fun
Knowing our son is living in an orphanage in Haiti, surviving on two small meals per day, and experiencing few hugs, snuggles, and kisses, sometimes makes me feel guilty for enjoying myself. This, combined with the everyday ache in my heart to bring him home, makes it doubly difficult to enjoy life.
I know our son is in God's hands and that He has a marvelous plan that I just can't fully see through the fog of waiting. I need you to reassure me that it's okay to have fun while we are separated from our son, and in fact, to make sure that I do.
Thank you for taking me out on dates and spending time together, laughing together. I need those moments. I know the effects will gradually wear off, but I'm begging you, don't let me put life on hold. Make me have fun and remind me that there is so much in this life to laugh about - right here, right now, in this very moment.
5. Ask Me What I Need
The truth is that sometimes I get so caught up in the whole adoption process that I don't really know what I need until I stop and think about it. So ask me.
There are times when all I need is to be held, but it's not always recognizable, and so, I'm asking you to ask me what I need.
6. Remind Me that It's Worth It
I've been "pregnant" for more than two years now, and some days I don't feel like I'll ever give "birth." And even though we don't know when our son will come home, I need frequent reminders that one day he will.
"Delayed hope makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12) is a verse that has become very real to me. I need to know that there's light at the end of the adoption tunnel and that one day it will happen.
On my good days, I know without a doubt that this adoption process will all be worth it. Other days, I wonder. I doubt. I lose hope. It is those days, especially, that I need your encouragement that it was worth it, and that our son has joined his forever family.
Final Thoughts
Adoption was never meant to separate us, as we are currently separated from our son. Instead, my heart's desire is that this process will bring us closer together, day by day. And just think, with each passing day, we are one day closer to bringing him home!
I may have "changed," but I am determined that those changes be for the good of our marriage, our family, and our walk with the Lord. Some days I question my ability to keep moving forward and to see the adoption process through to completion, but I know that ultimately I will. I will because even when I am weak, my God is strong.
Article courtesy of HomeLife magazine.