Continue Reading: What It Means to Be Mom (Part 1)
From the second you wake to the second you crash at the end of the day, your identity is wrapped up in three life-affirming letters: M.O.M.
But the joys of motherhood also mean that sometimes it can be hard to see yourself as anything else. Where did the time go for your own hobbies and interests? When was the last time you actually heard your name spoken in your own house?
We wanted to hear what different moms think about their roles, so we asked six moms to talk to us about how they view their identities: as a stay-at-home mom, a house mom, a mom raising a niece, a mom married to a pastor, a mom musician on the road and a mom who adopted from Africa.
A Mom of 4 and then 1 More by Sara Hagerty
My daughter sunk behind her eyes and I knew there were years in that darkened expression that I couldn’t yet reach. This one single interaction brought her right back to old pain that I hadn’t witnessed from hurts that I hadn’t caused. And here I was to field it all.
Us adoptive mamas might secretly wish that the day this child was “born” into our family was the same as if we’d carried them hidden inside of us for nine months and their first screams were ours, to hear and to receive.
Except it’s not.
Our first cradling of our children is like holding a mystery. And though this interaction with my daughter might make it easy for me to subtly divorce myself from her and her pain in the moment, God uses the layers of adoption to reveal that her heart wounds bring healing for me, too.
Because We're All Former Orphans
Each one of my children has a unique way of drawing out parts of me that need my Father’s touch, the parts of me that have an internal bleed. He uses their stories and their pain to unlock mine—that is, when I’m willing. Some days I revel in having reason to separate what’s theirs and what’s mine. As I imagine is true for all of us, I’d like to point fingers and place blame elsewhere, and excuse myself from being culpable. Yet the beauty of this interdependence called adoption—where they lean on me for their healing and I depend on Him for my own healing (‘cause we’re all former orphans needing to be sutured back to the Father)—is what makes me grow in God.
I’m becoming more of the woman He has made me to be by allowing these children to be His instruments to reach the rough-and-torn edges of my heart.
At the moment, that “me” looks like an introverted wife, mother and writer who relishes life before 7:30 a.m., when all is quiet; who reads the Psalms while cutting carrots for dinner; and who just had a dance party tonight in my family room with four Africans and a toddler. I’ll finish writing this and return to the laundry.
Motherhood—by whatever means it’s achieved—tethers you to Him in all the necessary ways. We go and come back in and find out who we are in both. (Also Read: The Official Adoption Guide)
A Mom to Maddie by Julie Robertson
As a homeschool mom to our three teenagers, bringing my husband’s preteen great niece, Maddie, to live with us in our home earlier this year has had some definite unforeseen challenges, but also some beautiful, tangible rewards.
At first it was difficult for me to go back to “middle school girl drama” and deal with issues Maddie had that were foreign to our family. I thought I was done with preteen girl stuff—my daughter was beginning her final year of high school with college on the horizon.
Just at the point that I was rejoicing that I had completed 12 years of homeschooling and had only four more years to go with my kids, I suddenly found myself struggling to juggle time to educate Maddie (who was brand new to homeschooling), to encourage my three high schoolers in their own responsibilities, and basically to just keep up with the daily household routine! I thought I might be going back to my old “toddlerhood mom” moments of not being able to put two coherent sentences together anymore, even though my youngest son hadn’t been a toddler for a decade.
Learning to Depend on God
It might have actually happened, except that each night my loving husband took time to listen to what had transpired at home during the day. He kept me grounded in our deep faith in Jesus and reminded me to completely depend on the Lord for everything—especially my sanity!
Seeing how God has redeemed the years of childhood that had slipped away from Maddie has been an awe-inspiring source of joy. She received Jesus as her Savior at Vacation Bible School at our church and has been slowly growing in the Lord since then. God has also shown Himself as Mighty Redeemer to others in her family because of their willingness to finally listen to His still, small voice gently encouraging them to seek Him more. I’m not sure we would have as many of these “praise the Lord” moments with our extended family as we do if she were not with us. Maddie is blossoming into the beautiful young woman that God designed her to be. How unworthy I feel to be her “mom” during this crucial time of her developing life!
My prayer for Maddie is that she walks so closely to Him that she can feel His arms of love wrapped around her every moment of every day. Oh, how He has stretched my heart to love a child that I didn’t know, but whom He had planned since the beginning of time to be not only in our home, but in our hearts forever!
A Mom Married to a Pastor by Leighann Mccoy
My husband and I approached ministry with a commitment to authenticity and transparency, so we didn’t give much thought to the fact that others took notice of our parenting. But as I look back, I did do one thing right and I also made one mistake you don’t have to make.
The one thing I did right: I never worried too much about what others thought about my children. It was important to me that they knew their behavior said more about them and their Lord than it did about me and their dad.
Responding to Criticism
One time an adult said this to two of my children: “You should be setting a good example with your dad being the pastor!” As my little arguers shared this with me, I assured them that I agreed they should be setting a good example, not because their dad was the pastor but rather because they were children of God. I was very intentional in teaching my children that God expected all children to behave, not just pastors’ kids.
The one mistake you don’t have to make: I downplayed the pressure my children felt as a result of living with high-profile parents. I regret that I didn’t take more time to validate their feelings when people criticized them, or when they heard people criticize their dad. Going beyond the popular myths and the challenges of being a pastor's wife, there are many things that I wish. I wish I’d noticed that when people died unexpectedly, my kids had questions that needed to be asked.
I wish I’d realized how much our tears meant to them—the ones we shed for joy, and the ones we shed in grief. If I could do it again, I’d spend a whole lot more time listening to their hearts. You don’t have to make that mistake.
God trusted you greatly when He made you their mom. Lead them to trust Him more.
Continue Reading: What It Means to Be Mom (Part 1)
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Article courtesy of Parenting Teens magazine.